YOUR GOD MUST BE DEAF

I relish Monday mornings. Yes,  I do...  I love the quiet of another Sunday gone and done with.  I take my run and breathe the cool morning air grateful for another week and hopefully quieter than Sunday,  I pray to my God that the independent churches about my house do not hold a kesha this week and pray to God that if they do,  our welfare office does something about the noise.
It's only until yesterday  that I realized a thing,  these churches are slowly but surely pushing me away from going to church.  I find the houses of worship loud and believe that it is absolutely uncalled for,  mainly because somewhere in Matthew the Bible says talk to your God in a corner... Some where quiet and personal... Simply put,  God is not deaf. You should know that I am not an avid fan of the Bible and do not quote it regularly seeing I only know two verses to heart: John 3:16 and Jesus wept,  and the later,  I have no reference.
The government has failed us,  royally.  Such a statement is not light,  it's sad to say so but government claims 40db limit,  I think they hit 100 easy. I wonder the state of our hearing as Kenyans in a few years. It's not the matatus,  the churches,  the city!  Nairobi is a noisy place. Put that in a catalogue because it is true.

An angry socialist.

 Sandra Nekh.

Plastic

A Few more stitches you say will make me better.
You claim to have the secret potion, the eternal elixir, the medicine I need. You say I will live nice and tight... Nice and tethered by societal constraints of the acceptable form. It's okay you say... The prettiest have done it, just a little nip and tuck and slice and dice and fill and pump out then cut to sew and braid and tie and fix and make flawless.
The most beautiful have done it.
This the thing you want me to be is soulless. The  mirror image of deception and immortality. Yet beneath the layers I hide scars that define this change. I can't admit, I lied that I worked hard on it. Now the shame eats at me. This pivotal point of pure heresy, your madness defined on my form, I am your greatest achievement, and I am my greatest disappointment. 
Now I rot away on pills because the complications written on the box did not come written for me to read but came off the lips of one too eager to mould me.
I take a pill for this and that... I say a prayer for this and that. For the issues that came with the process and were never written on the box. Or, were they written and told to me, but my mind was already set because of her and him.
This thing you want me to be.
Convinced my nose is too fat, I picked a nose
Convinced my lips thick I sucked them out,
Convinced the trend has changed I pump them up
but not right, I live a lie.
Convinced my skin, a darker shade
Convinced I take a lighter lighter brown
That's black but not too darker now, that's light but not too lighter now
Convinced my hair is but too tough,
Convinced I weigh too little now.
Convinced I weighted too much then...
Convinced  I could bloody do better.
This thing you made is killing me.

Live and Love.
Nekh.

Life Seems Unreal At Times

 Illustration by Yuumei

https://www.yuumeiart.com/ 

Expected results guide our decisions every hour of the day, every minute actually. Yet, at the same time, we are victims of nature and everybody else’s decisions. This rids us of the ultimate control that we seek and in turn breeds frustration and fear.

Frustration in that no matter how 'in control' we think we are, we always end up lacking; lacking in our goals, in our planning, in our day to day life. This is because majority of circumstances that should lead to our success aren't up to us. While there might be few moments that favour us, most of the time we fail to have a favourable setting. Human nature makes us doubt ourselves after enough of such. Enough? Yes, because every person is different and has a different breaking point. After 'enough' of such failures one starts to doubt one's self... This doubt is a nesting place for fear.

And why do we fear.

Everyone alive has an ultimate end, death. An end that no one can control nor predict. This doesn't stop one from trying but after all efforts, ultimately one realizes that it's beyond them. This makes one obsess over things they 'can' control. That healthy diet, schedules, choice of friends... The small things that give one a sense of control, but in truth even this aren't under our control. A schedule, for example, is subject to traffic, colleagues' decisions and among other things the unlikely flawless flow of plans. That healthy diet is subject to finances, the environmental availability of chosen foods and even health.

Therefore, in reality, there is no freewill as a primary notion and idea. Freewill all comes after determinism has run its cause. Before we know ourselves we are already influenced. Before we can make a decision, we are already influenced. This makes our past basically predetermines our present. Our decisions are made in the present therefore subjective to our past. The fact that at that every moment we are free to choose our way forward is the point at which we directly experience freewill. That and the fleeting chance that we can decide just how much of our past we are willing to let affect us. That too can be in our control.

That realization that we are not fully in control breeds fear, an almost creeping fear that takes will power to overcome.

Wilma Masibo 

I Read Today

I wore my blue, grey and white socks then took a moment away from simply existing to take on the words of another. I found perfection between the pages of an old book... I found the smell of it satisfying. Craftily guiding my thought, slipping me into a world like no other.
I wore a smile on my face yet a tear flew down my cheek. I could say it was the book... Maybe... But lately I have been feeling a little more emotional that usual.
I learnt a new word today. A word I knew but never thought about long enough to make sense of it. The word came at me boldly; marking its presence like a tattoo on my self. I am changed. For beyond this moment... Beyond this realization is a being grafted by the another.
I felt a pain today. It was swift, to the side of my right temple. To the side where I swear some thing vital lies. I drowned it in a 330ML 5.5% ALC/VOL tonic and took a brief nap that led me back to what I escaped when I accepted the slumber.
I took a walk to the unknown... Felt myself giving in to the arms of another, felt the purest of love I have ever. Felt the lose of a bond only to find more beyond the corner.
I woke to shuffling pages, the wind working the pages of my book. Just for fun, I read a word and found the word I learned today... Again. I am reminded of words I said once. Today, I learned the true meaning of the world PROMISE.
Nekh.

Questions and Answers

Did you do it?
No. No I didn't because I am a coward. I am scared of everything black, white and grey. I am scared of the in-between. I am scared to cross the ether, I can't walk a straight without help because I can barely do anything on my own. No. I didn't do it and am sorry I failed you.
Standing up for myself was the plan all along. Whenever I felt scared I was suppose to evoke my powerful God... Remember the strength of my father when he was younger, stronger. Use that to fight. I faced this just like every other challenge in my life; with a shaky gait, sweat dripping off my brow and my heart beating wildly in my chest. I could not do it.
Did you go?
No. Would you believe me when I tell you that it wasn't my fault. I wanted to go, so bad. I wore my best dress, wore my best shoes, applied a shade of lipstick in the brightest of pink... I even did my brows, and that ain't easy! Its a matter of geometry... And I was never good at math. Am sorry. I didn't go, time moved so fast before I knew it a minute turned to an hour which turned to a day and I couldn't leave because it was too dark and cold outside.
I know I said I would go, face this head on, as all the greats do but let's face it. Look at me! I don't think I look the part, or have it in me to actual go. Let them go, those that look right for the role. I can't. I'm sorry.
Did you say it?
Uh... No. Well at first I was a little tongue tied. Then I could move tongue, which was not caught by a cat *laugh*. When I could speak I fell into a rumble that lasted forever and before I knew it I was talking about a toy bunny I had when I was six because the logic was literally extracted from my self! Out of me, gone! But... Am practicing, Maybe next time, for real. I promise.
I know you don't believe me but, I swear by my great grandmother's porcelain vase, I will say it! Next time. When the time is right, when my breath isn't so stale, when my voice isn't so raw. When my vocabulary and tone is practiced. I will say it. #IPromise.
Did you think about it?
Actually... What was it.... Uh... Oh! I remember. Well, I didn't. I got carried away trying to place the question in the same realm of possibilities as the intricacies of proper thought generation, speech, art of listening and not merely hearing; oh, contemplation, and execution; the generation of a proper reply. Just the thought of the prospects of finding the solution to such a conundrum blows my mind. Am a classic over thinker. [Ya think?!] It takes me a little more that normal to think of answers to basic questions. I'll give it some thought... A little later though, all that thinking has me a little riled like a newborn on steroids! 
Did you hear it?
Well... That I did. But I didn't believe it. Does this mean it's right to say that the technical term for things that fall apart while still within the graces of bounty is a term needlessly coined by a non-English speaker... If so then damn, I've got to say... That's genius! This race is going places. [Did that just happen?!]
Friends, lesson of the day; do not be this person. You want to live in the present, aware of your life and the direction it takes. Stand firm in your space for you have a right to it. Speak out when you need to and do not be scared. You have to know that within you there is strength to fight every battle that comes your way. Try to center your mind, you do not want to spend your life running circles about useless banter. Think before you disbelieve on the basis of naivety. Read a book, learn something and surround yourself with people smarter than you. Ignorance is not bliss, its stupidity.
Live and love.
Nekh

THE ONLINE PERVERT FROM FAR AWAY

Being human, we have grown to appreciate the glamour of something foreign.  Be it a car... Case in point AOB (Any Other Brand) verses the Mobius. Clothes, music, literature, film, popular culture... And men and women. The thrill of the exotic has even me drooling over some demi-gods online. There is a rare pride in saying the man or woman you are dating is not Kenyan. Maybe a Ka-muthungu, Nigerian or a south African... From where ever really.
It may be as deep set as the bone this ideology. I have no idea why. And vice versa... That Kenyan melanin seems to pull a lot of eyes from out there, people want to get in there. #Yeah...?
And because distance is a key factor here that most do not consider, in one way or another such relationships turn online faster than you can say the Kenyan national anthem from start to finish.
Whether the meet happens online or not, a great chunk of knowing each other happens via social media and other online networking platforms.
Finally were are here... To my point... Ever read that meme; behind every African girl is an Asian pervert stalking them on Facebook. Question ladies, is this true for you. Gents too, do you have a foreign girl stalking you online?
I can attest I have a few. African, Asian, Persian and Western.
I see a trend; first they reach out telling you of your unearthly beauty. Then they tell you they love you. Am telling you the transition is so sudden one gets whiplash! This sort of fluttery is crutching, meant to disarm. Then they will ask for a nude... Or an exposing picture of oneself. They may even be gracious enough to offer you  enough motivation. They will send a careful contract of timing and framing with golden lighting to sell you the best version of their supposed self. Most will not frame their faces in the pics.  Those weak in 'love' or lust will send pictures of themselves to these perverts hoping for more than just simple online flirtation. #Sad but I get it. This people are in it to win. They will offer to come and visit you in Kenya or whisk you away to far away and this is very inviting. A free holiday abroad, Yeah!
I know that loneliness can lead one to a place of desperation but darling... You have you to protect. These are predictors after something, and it ain't your love!
You are selected after great scrutiny and it ain't because of your face or your body. Whether you know it or not, you may have exposed a flaw... A vulnerability that they tap into to win you over. Can be that or even a strength I.e. Financial stability, acceptance of self, a heightened existence... Achieved self actualization, name it. Whatever pulls them to you might be as vain as the physical or as deep as your rhetoric. Either way... You are still prey and they are on the hunt.
Be careful what you put out there. I at times fall victim to laying my unmentionables bare online but I am trying to learn the lengths to go to being a writer and all. I fear am young at this realization but time will tell. In time I will find the fine balance. And so will you youngling. 😊
I have to admit, being able to experience this and tell it to a soul is something I value more than you could ever know. Share this with your brothers and sisters. For lack of a better line... Educate themselves that internet si mama yako. (The internet is not your mother). Things can go wrong faster than  gaining cheap online  fame, the likes of #CashMeOutside.
Live and love people.
Nekh

To heel or not to heel... That is the question.

Heels come in different shapes and sizes, colours are made of different materials. The diversity of heels is attributed to style, comfort, cost and preference. Functionality and aesthesia are defining factors in selecting heels. Ask any one who owns a pair, among others of cause.
Ladies... And men who indulge in the act of wearing these heels... Did you know that you should thank Catherine de Medici for making heels a fashion statement? These were shoes worn by Egyptian butchers to avoid soil in their feet. Yikes!
So... Lets talk about the 21st century woman and men, and these inferno tools of torture...
Why do people wear heels. I have a few reasons: The confidence factor; some women claim that heels give them an edge. They feel a special strength when wearing the shoes. A class affair; heels may dictate class. Brand and year of production come highly relevant to state class. While a pair of Louis Vuitton heels mark a sense of elevation, you may want to consider new sessions or timeless classics to define high end. Get it... Moving on. Sexy heels; heels are sexy, they say. Maybe because they give the illusion of legs that go for days. Men like that sort of thing. Some ladies too... 😉 Also, some claim that someone in heels walks alot different than they do when have on flat shoes.  Its all about the sway, attributed to a faltering gait. A height issue; this is a little sensitive but... Stating truth here. Some people are born shorter than the average and feel the need to elevate. I find that some tall people also wear heels to elevate and seem taller. Its a matter of choice really. If height issues bother an individual, they may feel the need to wear out their heels make them taller. No judgement here. Can't think of any other reason... Read on my darling. I got more!
So thinking of the above reasons to wear heels I feel the need to bring it back home. To heel or not to heel? When can individuals wear heels and when can they not? How to wear heels and AOB concerning heels.
Personally... I only wear heels when there is a car coming for me. I remember once I was victim to the gully-creeper syndrome; when you are so tired of walking in heels you can barely keep your knees straight.  Sadness! So... Do not tire your precious legs and end up looking like a broken umpa-Lumpa heading home. Most times, heels are not practical shoes for everyday wear. You wear your legs and tendons, ruin your back... And so on. So maybe try not to wear really elevated heels everyday.
Ensure they fit right; with a little too to wiggle. Sounds crazy but feet do not stay the same size all day everyday. Feet swelling is common and one may end up hurting themselves when the feet swell due to pressure or just heat in the day. So think ahead...
Break shoes in before wearing them out. (This goes for all shoes) I once saw this lady with cuts on her feet because she walked in brand new shoes and they turned monstrous because they had sharp edges on the inner side of the shoe she never knew of. The pain... The shame. Its nice to know you can trust your shoes to protect your feet and not grind them to bloody pulps. Lesson learnt?
Also, when buying... Reputable brands are better. Some retailers wish to make money even on sub standard merchandise. So... Be careful the heels you buy. There is a safe way the heel is installed to minimize risk  to the wearer. Some people out there are after profit will make shoes that do not fit the generalized safe measurements. You have got to be very careful you do not buy shoes that will harm you in the long run.
In the long run, I believe owning a few pairs of these beasts is essential... Though there has to be a sense of responsibility to take care of oneself. You do not want to look good and end up ruining your life for a few hours of an illusion that will wear off the moment you take off your heels.
PS. I strongly believe kids should not wear heels. They are too young and still forming their bone structure. I think young mothers especially should just chill.
That's all for now. Feel free to comment, advice and share.
 Live and love.
Nekh